I’ve spent the last week in silence while my beloved husband and daughter spend time with his family. While they have been re-connecting and enjoying my daughter’s entertaining antics, I have been getting used to my aloneness. I’ve never had a problem being on my own, in fact, I have always found my most creative work emerges from my quiet time. This time however, is the first time I’ve been without any members of my family since I got hitched thirteen years ago, so it’s been a bit of a re-adjustment.
And just when I have started to sleep through the nights without wondering about the strange sounds around our empty house, my dear family are making their return to me! Without the flood of questions and requests that my daughter normally sends my way, and without the conversations that I could have with my hubby once my daughter is tucked into bed, I’ve filled my time with work and reading books. And TV – I’ve watched more TV in the last week than I have in more than two years! The silence was beautiful at first, but then it became painful especially as I listen to the neigbours and their laughing kids and music. Winter may be brutal, but winter holidays with family is special.
Famous thought leader and philosopher, Osho once said,
Aloneness and silence are two aspects of one experience, two sides of the same coin. If one wants to experience silence one has to go into one´s total aloneness. It is there.
Osho says that instead of trying to fill the silence and alone time with all kinds of things (he calls them hallucinations!) from relationships to religion to war, we should just embrace the fact that we are born alone and we’ll die alone and that’s life. Being alone and in silence are not states that we should fear because these states and times in our lives allow us to gain self-awareness. More importantly, we give up trying to be this and that. We accept ourselves as we are because we took a little bit of time to listen to ourselves in silence.
And you cannot be anything other than you are. Let it sink deep into your heart: you can only be that which you are, never anything else. Once this truth sinks deep, that ‘I can only be myself’ all ideals disappear. They are discarded automatically. And when there is no ideal, reality is encountered. Then your eyes are here now, then you are present to what you are. The division, the split, has disappeared. You are one. – Osho
I do feel renewed in many ways. I’ve worked hard this week without the usual mother-wife responsibilities. Being alone has helped me to re-connect with me as a singular person and whilst I have missed my loves (terribly!), I’ve been able to say hello to parts of me, that have been ignored for the most part. I’ve even said my annual hello to my hair-dresser!
I’m eternally grateful for my roller-coaster ride of life. I am even more grateful for the support of my family and loved ones. I am also grateful for finding and just being me.